“He’s a man that’s completely void of ego. And in all my life, I don’t know that I’ve ever met a man who could do that.”

Patrick Jane, referring to the case’s Mr. X (the drug cartel kingpin) and using that observation to deduce the true culprit was a woman (Krystal).

from 
my point of view
you look 
real RUDE
ignorant as fuck
and a dumbass too
what the fuck 
you gone do
with a bitch 
who walks away 
with 9 more lives
than your simple 2

I'm tired
too tired
to sue 

I have 
to let 
the scales balance
call it karma
call it truth 

my justice
it isn't 
street justice
i'm not 
that dense
nor attached 
to the rules

over here
it is cosmic
bigger 
than us 
two
the world 
is in the balance
I sincerely
hope
you chose 
truth

I’ll visit you 

In your dreams 

If you meet me

In the quantum field

this gets under my skin in a way that is indescribable

I didn’t change

I sought treatment for the mental illness that my community denied

I didn’t change

I grew out of the arrested development in which I had been imprisoned

I didn’t change

I raised myself without the negative influence and toxic, trauma bonds

I didn’t change

You have a backstage view of all the shit I’ve been dealing with since day 1

if we want people to become well and reenter society, it is necessary to separate the individual from value judgments based on a set of acquired behavior. Behavior can be taught and untaught, assumptions based on character can be the difference between a life or death sentence

I constantly hear about how the holidays can be rough. The addiction community is on red alert and the most unconventional batch of people come together to break bread in a makeshift family. Thanksgivings and Friendsgivings and Girlsgivings, and in Indigenous communities, it’s a day of mourning. Like anything in life that has to do with relationships, it’s a mess. The only saving grace is a season when we all get to enjoy being basic as we sip our seasonal Starbucks, admire the holiday decor, and wear the mask of civility needed to preserve the social schema of “family friendly.” Then there’s the rest of us. The chaos agents, the budding black sheep, the awkwardness of the empty seats, or worse, fighting your psyche with a Joker-esque smile.

Personally, I have opted to stay out of the scene and remain out of the way. The holidays aren’t particularly difficult for me in the way people try to “sympathize” (read: pity) me for not spending time with family or friends, but because my mental health, irrespective of people, absolutely whoops my ass. Depression is at an all-time high, the good Lord above sits my ass down, and I’m constantly sick. The irony is that none of the things I’m actually battling are received with the same fake sympathy as not spending it with family. People are so interesting.

I say all of this to say: one day, after a particularly horrendous Thanksgiving, I decided it was best for me to spend the holidays alone, away from people. Not because of their perverse empathy for my lot, because I didn’t have something they did, but because I got tired of people making me into some sort of charity case during the holiday season. Not spending time with anyone during the holidays is actually liberating for me simply because I don’t want to hear it.

Not everyone is having an A Christmas Story experience. It’s just another day or season for the rest of us, with extra latte flavors. My big sister/black sheep cousin advice is this: if you don’t want to participate in the family-friendly holiday season as some sort of orphan (regardless of whether you still have friends or family around you), then you don’t have to. It will be uncomfortable for other people, but the trade-off is that all of them will make you feel uncomfortable if you choose to participate in something you don’t want to do. I’m not pushing an anarchist narrative; I’m simply giving you permission (that you don’t need) to not participate in the humiliation ritual of family, friends, or work gatherings. Make the holidays your own, start your own traditions, actually enjoy the day (shocker, I know). Friendly reminder: you were born perfect. The rest is a meat suit adjusting to hazardous conditions.

1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High
shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress:
my God; in him will I trust.

3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler,
and from the noisome pestilence.

4 He shall cover thee with his feathers,
and under his wings shalt thou trust:
his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night;
nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness;
nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

7 A thousand shall fall at thy side,
and ten thousand at thy right hand;
but it shall not come nigh thee.

8 Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold
and see the reward of the wicked.

9 Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge,
even the most High, thy habitation;

10 There shall no evil befall thee,
neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee,
to keep thee in all thy ways.

12 They shall bear thee up in their hands,
lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder:
the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

14 Because he hath set his love upon me,
therefore will I deliver him:
I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him:
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him, and honour him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him,
and shew him my salvation.

If you want a concise interpretation or a modern-language paraphrase, I can give that too.

I’m so tired

so very weary

the need to sleep

is beyond skin deep

I held my breath

mid step

at the sound

of the predators growl

not yet seen

or explicitly heard

but the rumbling

the rumbling

moves beneath my feet

a lot of close calls

claws all the way out

finally

finally

the predator was scared off